salve

Life as a grown-up - it sucks sometimes

I was at Ella Wooten Park in the Mueller development today with Norah and Julian. Watching all the neighborhood kids playing under the perfect blue sky surrounded by green grass and fancy landscaping, I had a sudden craving to live in Mueller. It caught me off guard - I'm generally a hater of planned communities, and this East Austin 11th Street Revitalization mess we live in (read semi-gentrified before the economic downturn hit) is about as far from a planned community as you can get. But Mueller just seemed so safe, all of a sudden. Toddlers everywhere. Multiple parks in walking distance. Jogging paths and cookie cutter houses. Suddenly I wanted it.

Partly I'm just looking at everything with new eyes now that Jeff and I have both taken a pay cut and we're going to be seriously struggling to pay our mortgage. I wish we hadn't bought such an expensive house. Can we sell it and move in to something more affordable? Probably not - no idea how our house would do on the market right now. And I know for a fact that Mueller wouldn't be a more affordable option - one of the moms I was chatting with on the playground pointed out to me the great "affordable" house on the corner that now only costs $400,000 because the buyers backed out at the last minute.

I dunno though - sometimes I miss living in a neighborhood where I can walk around alone outside at night. It's all a moot point anyway - the goal for now is not to lose this house, if we can possibly, possibly help it. I need to go to the UT Law Financial Aid office this week and beg for some more cost of living loans for the Fall - times are about to get very tight for the Culbertsons. Wish us luck.

And the hits just keep on coming...

Get ready for another of my trademark lists of complaints!:

1. Julian has his first ear infections. He's had a cold for a week and I've taken him to the doctor four (count 'em, four!) times because he just seemed extra sick to me and I wanted to catch whatever it was really early. And the first three times they told me not to worry about it - "His ears look great! His chest sounds clear!". Until today - today when I took him in, his doc visibly recoiled when he looked in Julian's right ear. "Woah!" he said. "That one's bulging." To be fair - I don't blame the doc (nor do I condone the over-use of antibiotics). Julian's ears were fine 24 hours ago, but in the middle of the night he woke up moaning, then crying, then screaming, and only after much nursing, Tylenol, and Albuterol were we able to get him to go bakc to sleep. He slept fitfully the rest of the night (and Jeff and I slept not at all) - so that was his ears filling up with enough fluid to make his eardrums bulge, I'll warrant. Still - I can't help wanting to yell "I told you so! I told you he was getting really sick! Mom's know these things!"

2. Jeff and I are unbelievably sleep-deprived (see item 1) and both coming down with Julian's cold. Added to Julian's fitful night, the m@therfracking neighbors (see previous post) have decided to celebrate Spring Break all week, and have parked various cars in our alley blaring music at all hours. Last night the music started up at 3:30am. I wanted to go out there and beg them to stop, but given that I've witnessed them fighting in the alley (see previous post), I kind of don't relish the thought of a confrontation with them in the middle of the night. I took the coward's way out last night and had Jeff make a non-emergency call to the cops to complain. Upon which a cop car drove around the block a few times but didn't actually drive down our alley or do anything useful, that we could see. I stuffed ear plugs in my ears and prayed for death (my own actually, not the neighbors', which seems like a mistake, in hindsight). Of course, once I had the ear plugs in I lay there worrying that I wouldn't hear Julian if he needed me.

3. I've been covering for two other Project Managers at work for the past week, as well as working on several new business pitches, on top of my usual account work. Work, in general, is shitty at the moment. I am burned out. And the SXSW crowds and noise all around our office make it impossible to get in and out of our parking garage in anything under 20 minutes and I just generally can't handle the sight of other people having fun right now. I'm working from home tomorrow.

4. There's more. There's so much more. But I'll save it for another day, another post, and another list. And now, I must try to go to bed and sleep while I can. Fingers crossed.

Neophyte

I've said this to my husband several times recently, but I wish I understood our neighborhood better. Ok, it's not too hard to guess what's going on two corners west of here - I've been stuck behind a car stopped at that corner and seen the drugs and the cash change hands myself. Drug-trade and prostitution aside, that corner feels pretty harmless to me - maybe it's because I more or less understand what's going on there. It's the other, more mysterious sites in this neighborhood that I wish I weren't such a naive white girl when I pass by.

Four blocks east of here, for instance. Another drug-dealing corner - but what's the difference between that corner and the other one? Different drugs? Different dealers? And why does that one feel more menacing, somehow?

And the apparent crack-house near the high school - the structure is barely standing and surrounded on all sides by new construction. There's a crazy-haired, toothless old man who stands in the front yard talking to himself, and whenever he sees me pass by with the dog and the baby, he starts yelling "Help! Help!" in a high-pitched, feminine tone. Is he asking me for help? Or threatening me somehow?

The mystery has moved closer to home these past few months. Our house faces in to the alley at the back of our lot, and there's a small house across from us. A new family moved in recently - and while I say family, I have no clear idea of what the relationships between the occupants are, or even how many permanent occupants there are. There's a middle-aged man who's the obvious head of the household, and he spends his days sitting on a chair in the yard, drinking and listening to the radio. But I'm not exaggerating when I say that up to 20 different people pass through the alley and the house on any given day, and about 10 different cars pull up to the house or park in the alley for long stretches. Lots of kids of different ages - lots of pick ups and drop offs. All of this, while making me vaguely curious, was more or less fine, aside from the occasional annoyance of having the alley blocked by cars when I was trying to get to my driveway.

Last night a fight broke out though - women screaming and a heave of bodies wrestling and moving past our driveway. The noise was enough that other neighbors called the police before we did (or maybe some of the particpants called - I don't know). By the time Jeff got 911 on the phone, cop cars were already pulling up, and within minutes there were 8 units all parked in our alley, lights flashing.

I guess we'll never know what happened - the police didn't stay long. Some intermittent screaming continued late in to the night, but the alley seemed back to normal this afternoon and the house had its usual comings and goings.

Jeff says I'm probably better off not knowing and not understanding the neighborhood better. The longer we stay and the more families like us move in, the less and less there will be left to understand. I don't know - but I'm curious anyway.

Ah, motherhood

I'm sitting on the couch with Julian asleep on me with my nipple still in his mouth and I'm too tired to move and I don't want to risk botching the transfer and him waking up if I try to move him to the swing or the crib and Norah is in the kitchen baking a cake at 7 o'clock at night with Jeff who only just now got home from the office and I have worked twenty hours out of the last thirty-six and only slept about six, and I've been at home but working with both kids home with me these past two afternoons and this is what it's like sometimes being a working mother of two. Oy.

Blerg

We're in Houston for the weekend, and tradition dictates that we should take advantage of the free babysitting and go see a movie. I've been fighting a migraine all day though, and Julian got me up every two hours last night (through a winning combination of teething and having a cold).

I think Jeff's going to see something without me. Poor guy. Then again, maybe he's looking forward to some alone time. I'm looking forward to bed.

I love bed.

What to do, what to do?

I seem to be finding my life awfully stressful at the moment. My friend Drew just asked me if there's anything I DON'T find stressful these days. I'm not sure there is. Although last night Jeff, Norah and I watched some selections from musicals on YouTube - that was fun and non-stressful. Watching songs from "The Sound of Music" made me feel happy in a way I haven't in weeks and weeks. Perhaps months? That's scary.

So the latest source of stress is that fact that Norah's daycare just called to tell us that a spot has opened up for Julian in the infant classroom, starting April 1st. When he didn't get a spot this fall, we'd resigned ourselves to waiting until Fall of '09, and we hired a part-time nanny. The nanny thing has been working really well, and I really like her and also feel responsible for her welfare. She's just about to get her own apartment again after having to sell her house and move in with her sister. She'd planned on being with us until at least August. I would feel like a real shit having to cut her loose early.

Meanwhile, Julian has been on the list for the UT Child Development Center (daycare) since before he was born, so that ultimately he could end up there while I'm in law school. But there's no telling whether a spot will open there by this fall. And if we don't take the Child's Day spot (Norah's daycare), they may not still have a spot for Julian in the fall. I've called UT and am waiting for a call back about the status of the waiting list.

Options we're considering:

• Take the spot at Child's Day now but see if we can buy our nanny a few more weeks to find a new gig by starting Julian in late April.

• Give up the spot, take a chance that UT will have a spot in the fall, and keep the nanny on if they don't.

So many things to consider, and we need to try to make a decision in the next 24 hours. A fun time will be had by all. My older brother has just dubbed this situation a "crisitunity".

I shit you not...

...but Julian just came micro-inches from rolling from his back to his stomach. Which just goes to show you the power of maternal worry. I kid, I kid, I know I had nothing to do with it, and I'm heartily regretting all the energy I poured in to worrying over the weekend.

Blerg.

Doc

Norah indeed does have an ear infection, but the doc is not in the least bit worried about Julian.

Big, deep breaths.

Roll over, roll over

I should preface this whole post by saying that really, everything is ok. But apparently, my friends, I'm still a worrier. I had an endless capacity for worry and anxiety as a child and remember spending a good deal of my time stuck in endless loops of worry over the littlest things. It's only apparent to me now, after spending an entire weekend in that state again, how much I had grown out of that habit. Thanks, Adulthood (and therapy, and medication...)!

So here's the deal. My perfect little baby boy Julian ( now 5 1/2 months) is the best baby ever - great sleeper, great eater, always smiling and happy, inquisitive and smart. I've watched him hit every developmental milestone on the nose so far, and didn't give it a second thought. About six weeks ago I remember starting to watch him carefully for signs that he was getting ready to roll from his stomach to his back. He hated tummy time, but sure enough, at the end of January/beginning of February, he rolled over a few times from stomach to back, and I thought "Phew! Ok, there we go. Right on the nose."

But he hasn't rolled from his stomach to his back since February 7th, and he only really did it about 6 or 7 times, and now has stopped. And he doesn't push up and use his hands and arms to lift his chest off the ground, another developmental milestone he should have mastered by now. And the average baby, by 6 months, is supposed to be able to roll from back to front. No sign of that from Julian yet, although he does roll on to his side and reach for toys.

I'm doing what I swore I wouldn't do, and I'm comparing my children. Norah rolled over on schedule as a baby, and by 6 months she could sit unsupported (with only the occasional nosedive as a result). On Friday night, Jeff mentioned this to me (to his eternal regret, I'm sure), and unwittingly opened the floodgates of worry for me. In the back of my head since February 7th, I'd been wondering when Julian would push up, when Julian would roll, when Julian would sit. But I'd been stuffing all the worry away, until Jeff accidentally gave me permission to let it all out.

It's really only the gross motor stuff I'm worrying about. Verbally, Julian's on schedule. Emotionally, he's on schedule. His fine motor skills are great - he reaches for small objects, and has started passing objects from hand to hand. So what's the delay? Is it a real delay? Is it because he's huge? He's easily 18 pounds by now, and Norah was much lighter (and therefore maybe more agile) at his age. Is it just hard work for him to heft the weight of his head and body, and because he's so good natured and content, he just can't be bothered?

I confessed to Jeff that I'd been worrying all weekend, and he said all the right things ("There's nothing wrong with him, he'll roll when he's ready."), and that helped a bit. I researched stuff online, which alternately horrified me with new worries and reassured me that nothing's wrong (oh Interweb, why must you be so fickle?). Mostly, I just wish I could stuff the worry back where I had it stuffed to begin with and stop thinking about it. Now when I watch Julian play, all I can think is "Push up! Push up! Roll over, roll over!". I'm spending oodles of time with him down on the floor - tummy time, back time, side time, putting toys out of his reach, trying him in the exersaucer, etc. Ugh. Must stop!

Luckily (well, not for her) Norah has what I think is an ear infection so I'm headed to the pediatrician with her this afternoon, and will have Julian in tow. So - I'll be talking to the doc and he will probably tell me exactly what Jeff has already told me, but at least I'll feel safe in the knowledge that I've at least discussed gross motor delays with Julian's doc. I promise I'll let you know what he says.

Everything's fine, I know. This is needless worry, I know.

Sigh.